I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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