she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You're like the curious george of whores
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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