at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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