I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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