My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
