I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
