I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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