you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
