i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize