I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
