So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
