I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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