guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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