my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
