She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
