WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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