she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
