On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
