you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize