Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
