You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
