Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
