Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
