Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
