someone get that fucking seahorse.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i think i just lost a toe
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
