i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
