Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
