i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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