That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
