I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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