You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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