I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
