Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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