Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
