I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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