I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
