meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You ruined the universe
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
