Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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