Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
