when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
