Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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