We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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