i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
