i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
