Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
