Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You are the jesus of drinking
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
