life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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