Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
