I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
