Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
