Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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