He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
