So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
