Even the bartender felt bad for me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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