Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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