I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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