Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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