i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
