Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
