he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
