I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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