yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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