just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
