I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Never joke about your clitoris.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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