i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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