she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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